I am a large 6'7' man with a hulk of a build. I played football in high school as an offensive lineman. I still lift weight frequently, and have been known to push a car up a hill. God made me into a modern day Goliath of a man (Goley-Auth! as the children called me when I was in Romania in 2007). I can brag all day about my physical strength, but you place one phone call to me and tell me that Dad (Don Hanes) is having a bad day, and I become fearful like a small child.
My father, Don, is a two time non-Hopkins lymphoma survivor. He literally has walked through the "valley of the shadow of death" during his second round of treatment at M.D. Anderson in Houston. His last major battle was in 2010, and if you want to know more about his journey, you can read it here: http://donupdate.blogspot.com/
The first time my father danced the tango of terror was in 2003. God did nothing short of perform a miracle, but this blog is not entirely about my Dad and his journey, but about fear, so I will focus on my side of his story, for I must confess the weakness of Goley-Auth to you all. In 2003 I was a wreck of a man. I had failed out of college in 2001, and was still running hard and fast from God. I didn't know how to get my life straight. When my father was diagnosed, I was living in sin with my non-Christian girlfriend who I though it was okay to start a family with. I was able to excuse things like alcoholism because "she loves me and accepts me". Then my Dad was diagnosed and it rocked my world. I didn't know how to cope. At 24 I was not ready to lose my father, and at 54, he was not ready to die. I ran, both from God and my family, having visited my father in the hospital only twice while he fought for his life. This time in my life, I was not proud of, I gave into fear, I listened to the lies of the enemy who was doing a really good job of stealing my joy, killing my witness, and destroying my existence. Needless to say, I had no clue what co-dependency was, and needed a few years of help to get back on the right path, but God is good, and he had a plan around the corner that involved moving to Florida, and meeting around 400 new friends, including an incredible church that would adopt me like a son, and where I would flourish for the next 8 years.
In 2009 life was okay in Florida. I was starting to bloom, but life was not all peaches and cream. In December, Dad found out the paper mill was closing and he would need to retire early. Two days after all the papers for early retirement were signed, Dad was back in his oncologist office for a routine checkup, and was handed bad news. The cancer was back, it had morphed, and this time, he was in for a real fight. I was in Florida, separated from my family, still on the high of my missions trip to Romania a few years earlier, and enjoying life. But, when I got the call that my Dad would need a stem-cell transplant, the fear monster crept back into my head. It moved back into its new vacation home as an unwelcome dweller for the next 9 months.
Here, at 29, I still could not deal with the possibility of the death of my father. I had seen literal miracles take place overseas, but losing my Dad, well, that was out of God's control. I can't trust God with my Dad's life, he is not big enough, this will end badly, fear, fear, fear.
"Fear Not". It appears 365 times in the bible. You literally have one verse for each day of the year. Every single day. Why did God tell us so many times "do not fear?". Perhaps as creator, he knows our flawed fallacy as humans. He knows we are in need of a savior, and we desperately need to know that God alone controls the universe. In Romania in 2007 things were falling apart on our trip and Benjamine Lupe, one of the Romanian missionaries pulled me aside and asked me a simple question that has forever changed my perspective on life.
Benny - "Brandon, is God on the throne".
Me - "Yes, of course"
Benny - "Will that change anytime soon, or in all of eternity?"
Me - "Well, no.."
Benny - "If God is on the throne, and rules the entire universe, and that is not changing anytime soon, is he big enough to take care of your situation if you trust him with it?"
Benny then went on to teach me the Romanian beatitude of "Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be broken." He was almost certain Jesus taught that one, but somehow it did not make it was lost in a scroll in some cave that time forgotten.
I will leave you with this verse in James, and the promise that God loves you, and is on the throne, and that will never change. Trust God today, He loves you oh so much.
James 1:2-4 "2 Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials,3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. 4 But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing."
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